Fall 2005 appears to be TV’s new season of the supernatural. Nearly all the networks are partying like it’s 1993 when they were tripping over each other to bang out X-Files clones. As can be expected, some are better than others, but one show with a promising pedigree beat out all the others for the race to the bottom: ABC’s Night Stalker.
It started out well enough. Kolchak had the required “something tragic happened to a loved one and I’ve gone Mulder” back story and got a gig as a crime reporter in L.A. to further his investigations. Right off the bat he calls werewolf demony thing when some suburbanites get mauled and one gets her fetus ripped out.
To add some conflict, K butts heads with Gabrielle Union who is all bringing it on like “I’m the lead editor on the crime beat, you should be writing for Teen Beat. Go Clovers!” After a gratuitous unerwear-clad web surfing scene to dig up some dirt on her new partner, I figure this show is on the right track. How easily it gets derailed.
I can probably overlook a fair amount of derivative plots and crappy acting. I do watch Charmed, after all. But it all fell apart the second Kolchack popped his trunk and pulled out what appeared to be an old-timey fire extinguisher while investigating a slaying near a school.
At first I thought we were gong to get some sweet ad hoc flamethrower action, a la Bubba Ho Tep. But he just trots out into a field by the school and starts spraying mist out of it — apparently it’s more of an old-timey insecticide sprayer. When asked what he’s doing, Kolchak coyly replies, “Hunting.” What a tool.
Anywho, after some boring exposition and introduction of a predictable storyline about an FBI guy with a Kolchak ax to grind, something starts beeping in Kolchak’s pocket. He whips out a PDA/GPS thingy and says it’s time to roll – the beast thing is on the move!
As they frantically speed into the desert, Gabrielle Union asks how Kolchak knows where the thing is.
“That stuff I sprayed back at the school? It’s sort of a chemical LoJack.”
WTF?!
I mean seriously, W – T – F!
And nobody in the car reacts oddly to the statement. Where does a jerk on a reporter’s salary get access to a “chemical LoJack” that apparently is linked to a satellite GPS network? What triggered the LoJack? How does it work? Why did it take so long for anything to show up?
I mean, I could have accepted some sort of half-assed pseudo science or “I used to be Black Ops and a friend hooked me up” or “I called in a favor at NORAD” or even if he had used some supernatural plot device like a mojo bag and necklace that glows when the Whatever shows up. But to just toss out this lame tracking device and have it go unquestioned requires a suspension of disbelief that even someone as undiscriminating as me doesn’t have.
Since I’m very lazy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the show is canceled before I post this. I was actually going to let this slide, but felt compelled to thanks to Steve Jobs. As part of the launch campaign for the video iPod, Jobs cut a deal with Disney to allow people to download episodes from a handful of series.
Yes, in addition to Lost, Desparate Housewives, and That’s So Raven, you can grab episodes of Night Stalker for $1.99. Maybe next time his Chemical LoJack goes off, Kolchak will get the message on his new video iPod. The Cthullu is just a click wheel away!