I’m guessing that if you saw the words Vikings, Lee Majors, and1978 listed in a program description when flipping through the TV guide you’d say, “That sounds like the most sweetass awesome movie ever made!” Well, that’s exactly what I thought when I came across the listing for The Norseman.
The first setting that comes to mind when you think of Vikings is probably chilly Scandanavia. The second that comes to mind is probably the swampy beaches of Tampa, Florida, which is where the movie takes place.
Lee Majors, the titular Norseman, leads his longboat of Norsemen to America in search of his father, the king. As illustrated in a flashback sequence heralded with a wavy transition and tinkling harp sound effects, the king and his men had been exploring America and were befriended by a tribe of Indians (AKA Anglos with spray-on tans). Everything started out great. There was lots of smoking, drinking, limboing, and playing of music that earned the movie 1978′s award for Most Stereotypical Ethnic Music Played During A Scene Involving Native Americans.
Unfortunately, as often happens when everyone starts drinking, the chief got pissy when his main squaw started making googly eyes with one of the bearded warriors. And, as also often happens in such a situation, things ended with all the Nords getting their eyes burned out before being forced to mill corn in the prison/millery.
I learned a lot about Vikings from this movie. I learned that not all of them had big bushy beards. Some have porn star moustaches, like Mr. Majors. Others have long, flowing white beards that would eat Gandalf’s. Some of their beards appear to be made of synthetic fibers and are bordered by thick seams. And some just have thick sideburns. I also learned that they have Southern accents and that some are black.
Aiding The Norseman in his quest is a wizard played by the creepy proctologist from the Cannonball Run movies, a pro football player (Deacon Jones, AKA “The Black Viking”), his Norsetween brother, and a Very Special Viking named Olaf.
After getting their asses handed to them on their first encounter with the Indians, the disaffected squaw sneaks off to the longboat and turns on her people. I’m not sure what message this sends. Anyway, she leads The Norseman and a few of his Berserkers to the prison and helps with the rescue logistics. And my research indicates she was Sonny Bono’s 3rd wife.
Regardless of cinematic quality, Monty Python has made it somewhat difficult to take anyone in a Viking costume seriously. But I do have to say that after taking some time to acclimate, I found myself appreciating the gravity of the situation that these Norsemen faced.
The Norseman may have set the bar for the epic battles that inspired Braveheart, Gladiator, and other modern melee films. Aside from The Norseman taking out the two doughy obese Indians left to guard the prison, some fight highlights include the blind Vikings’ revolt, the storming of the longboat, and pokey Olaf’s emotional run to his departing ship as he is pursued by the tribe of ruthless Florindians. Does he make it? You’ll have to watch it to find out!
This film was also a nice reminder that the Bionic Man and an Angel were once one of Hollywood’s power couples: the movie was a Fawcett-Majors Production.
To learn more about Vikings, ask the Viking Answer Lady!