Steak's Guide To Good Living

Imagine, if you will, a man who speaks like Helen Keller right after she learned to pronounce “water.” Then, imagine that man playing arpeggio loops on a Casio and shouting the following at the top of his lungs:

Mortal Challenge!
Face to face!
Fight with style!
Sing with grace!

If you’ve imagined it correctly, you’ve just heard the Mortal Kombat-inspired (AKA “ripped-off”) theme song to the movie Death Game (AKA “Mortal Challenge”).

Shamelessky designed to kash in on 1995 kult klassic Mortal Kombat, it also evokes Escape From New York/L.A., borrows from Blade Runner, and mimics The Running Man.

In the future, L.A. is plagued with gang violence and earthquakes, so the rich move offshore to a man-made island and happily go about their decadent lives.

Kids are disappearing from all over the ruins of Old L.A., but nobody gives a crap until a rich kid goes missing. Because the cops are overloaded, a wealthy family hires a private dick to find her. Timothy Bottoms detective is styled after Blade Runner’s Deckard character, at least for the first 10 minutes of the film; dressing like a ’30s gumshoe and driving around Old L.A. while moody sax music plays.

TB approaches a group of street kids to pump them for info when suddenly a bunch of “Centurions” attack and abduct most of them. TB teams up with a kid who looks like he is from O-Town and follows the trail to an underground club. It turns out the missing kids are getting thrown into a labyrinth “Death Drome” where they stumble around until eventually getting eviscerated by cyborgs on closed circuit TV for the pleasure of rich brats from New L.A.

The Socias decide the fate of arena combatants with the old thumbs up/thumbs down, pay to get it on with the gladiators, and spend so much time watching street urchins get impaled you wonder when they have time to go to the university back in New L.A. Seeing some paralells to historical time periods? Hmmm?

Oh yeah, and their college professor (god knows of what) is the ringleader of the arena for some reason. He prattles on about how the games distract people from real problems, just in case you need some sort of moral framework to wrap around the film. But at the end of the day, all that really matters is: do asses get kicked and boobs get shown? They sure do.

TB actually has a couple of decent fight scenes and O-Town gets electrocuted in a takes a lickin’ but keeps on tickin’ sequence. But it isn’t all fun and games. There’s pathos, too.

Like when the arena master tells one of his creations something along the lines of “You were a broken shell when I found you… now you’re a shining thing of beauty!”

To which the borg replies, “You… call… this… beauty?!” and he removes his Geordie goggles to reveal a mangled eye socket and nasty scar. I won’t tell you what happens next, but let’s just say it was more of a rheorical question.

Probably the most amazing thing about this Roger Corman-produced film is that is was made in 1996. You’d swear it’s circa 1986 and I expected an impromptu cyborgs-in-spandex dance sequence to break out.

And at no time did anyone “Sing with grace.”

I finally saw the V for Vendetta and I’ve got to say, I was shocked by what I learned.

Natalie Portman can act!

As if that weren’t shocking enough, I learned that the Wachowski brothers, best known for their Matrix films, can write a story that doesn’t suck!

Now, in defense of their past crappy writing efforts, the story was pretty much laid out by the blueprint set in the legendary Alan Moore and David Lloyd comic on which the film is based.

The film opens with Portman’s Evey being rescued from an unpleasant run-in with a faith-based government curfew squad by a Zorro-like savior calling himself V. Constantly hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask, the flamboyant V spouts an alliteration and pop culture-filled soliloquy before inviting Evie to a London rooftop. She accepts and is horrified to find out he brought her up there to view his handiwork at blowing things up — in this case, the Old Bailey courthouse to the tune of the 1812 Overture.

V uses Evey’s position at the government TV network to co-opt their broadcast and delivers a wake up call to the masses, along with a challenge: He invites those dissatisfied with the oppressive government to meet him one year from the date in front of Parliament to watch him blow that up as well.

That obviously doesn’t sit well with those in charge, so the government is in a race to catch V before he can make good on his promise. At the same time, V carries on with his personal vendetta against the people who made him take his stand in the first place. And Evey’s life pretty much goes down the crapper.

One of the most telling things about the society V is trying to change is that it often doesn’t seem all that bad — as long as you’re white, straight, and Christian, of course. Aside from curfews and some issues with getting dairy products, most people seem to go about their lives without a whole lot of concern or inconvenience. The scariest aspect of the dystopia isn’t the presence of goon squads and zealot politicians; it’s the believable notion that people have accepted (and even welcomed) their situation.

Alan Moore knows the score, but I enjoyed the film in spite of his displeasure with the adaptation. He generally distances himself from his works’ adaptations due to past studio burnings and refuses monetary compensation. But extra friction surrounded this film because studio execs falsely claimed he was giving them support when at best he was indifferent.

Plus, he wasn’t psyched with the way his Thatcher-era satire had been Americanized for the Bush era. In the original story, anarchy is the alternative to fascism. The film may present a kinder, gentler alternative to fascism, but manages to pack in some powerful imagery and messages nonetheless.

I admire Moore’s crumudgeonliness, but ultimately I think any modern film that has the hope of sparking some non-conformist behavior in today’s culture has merit. While it may seem shameless for a multi-million dollar Hollywood movie to sell a message of anarchy, even a glossy Googaplex-friendly call to action is better than none. Slick or indie, something needs to kick people in the ass if we want to avoid the future shown in V’s London, since for some unknown reason current events don’t seem to phase people.

Despite Moore’s claims that the film is a wussified version of the original story, the film isn’t pure Hollywood happy times. V may be fighting an evil power, but he isn’t necessarily a great guy.

He openly embraces many of the same tactics as the oppressors he’s fighting and has no qualms about sacrificing bystanders in his quest for a greater good. And his opening exchanges could be considered sympathetic toward the likes of the 9/11 terrorists — while simultaneously raising the point that it would be very convenient for a government to construct such a tragedy to achieve its goals.

At a time when most people would rather simply ignore the problems around them, anyone who puts a glimmer of thought into Abu Ghraib, wiretapping, diversity, TV fear mongering, political housecleaning, or sacrificing freedom for “security” because of this film has been changed for the better. That the film was pretty much a box office flop is a real shame.

Thought the final nail in Star Trek franchise’s coffin was finally banged into place? Guess again.

After the Enterprise TV show tanking (I never saw it, but the general consensus seems to be that it sucked) and the final Star Trek movie’s box office bombing (which I think was undeserved), Paramount is falling back on a now trendy formula for squeezing a few extra drops from an aging cash cow’s teats — the character history prequel.

The Enterprise TV show already tried the prequel concept, set prior to the original show’s timeline, but the next Star Trek movie is taking a different approach. It will focus on the early years of established characters from the first series, including Spock and Captain Kirk.

Don’t miss the hilarious freshman hazing scene that brings these two unlikely Starfleet cadets together! They’re the original Odd Couple!

Although this seems like an obviously groan-inducing bad idea, there’s a glimmer of hope for this film. J.J. Abrams, the big brain behind Lost is working on the script and slated to direct.

He definitely has the creative chops to turn things around. But whether he succeeds or this project crashes and burns as badly as its potential, it should be interesting to see how this plays out.

One of the big challenges he faces is the one that George Lucas failed so miserably at in his Star Wars prequels. We already know the characters will survive.

It’s very difficult to create cinematic tension when you know that the characters CAN NOT die. Granted, the Star Wars prequels had the additional problem of everyone know where the plot was going. No matter how pretty and “real” everything looked in Lucas’s Green Screen Folly, I never really felt excited during Obi-Wan, Annakin, or Yoda’s conflicts because their survival was a foregone conclusion. I’ve seen Ben Kenobi – and he was really old!

The same could probably be said about any other character-dependent franchises, like the James Bond, Indiana Jones or Mission Impossible ones. However, even though the chance of those character’s dying is slim, when you’re watching something that’s allegedly happening as you’re watching, that slim chance is enough to build dramatic tension.

And after all, Spock and Kirk did both buy the farm eventually.

I’ve just learned that Charmed has finally been cancelled.

For those that haven’t seen the show, it’s about three witch sisters who spend their time bralessly vanquishing demons.

There’s no question that this is a terrible show. From the derivative plots and crappy effects all the way to the third-rate extras and freakish costume design, this show is the poster child for bad TV. Far better shows bit the dust while this one has inexplicably made it through eight seasons.

And yet, in spite of what my mind tells me is a bad, bad show, I feel sad. Its badness is so comfortable, so familiar, I’ll miss it. Nothing on TV can match its transcendent, audacious level of badness.

Except maybe 24.

Have you ever wondered, “What can you get a wookiee for Christmas when he already owns a comb?”

The classic Christmas In The Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album, posed that exact question in its hit single entitiled, appropriately enough, “What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)?” The album suggests at one point that the answer is: a brush.

That certainly sounds reasonable.

However, I know the true answer: Softcore Porn!

How do I know this? I saw it in The Star Wars Holiday Special, of course!

A lot of people don’t even know The Star Wars Holiday Special exsists, so don’t feel bad if you missed it. Much has been written about the legendarily bad made-for-TV Star Wars disaster. And I’m going to write some more. I’m old enough to have actually viewed The Star Wars Holiday special when it aired and future generations must be warned to ensure that nothing similar ever happens again.

The horror… The horror…
How bad is it? It actually makes the plot in The Phantom Menace seem compelling and well-written. George Lucas has allegedly said “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it.” It truly puts the “special” in holiday specials.

NOTE: I have the special on in the background as I’m writing this, and in a weird way it does create an interesting background atmosphere. Much of it is simply Wookiee grunts over a bed of eerie carnival music made with a moog synthesizer. And now Carrie Fisher is singing…

How did this travesty happen? I’m guessing some young hotshot network exec must have said, “Kids love The Star Wars… and they love Christmas! If we could only combine both of them in some way along with the vaudevillian humor, production values, and music of the Donny and Marie Show (or Brady Bunch Variety Hour), we’d have a home run!” And that’s exactly what they did.

The Star Wars Holiday Special features almost all of the major actors from the movie Star Wars and aired only once in America: November 17, 1978. Anyone who witnessed the event was forever changed by it.

Here’s the general plot. Chewbaca needs to get to the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyk to celebrate the nondenominational holiday “Life Day” with his family. At first I thought it was called Light Day, as the celebration involves a lot of Wookiees holding lights. Anyway, the Empire is doing everything in it’s power to prevent Han and Chewie from making it back, so the Rebellion taps Art Carney, a trader on Kashyyk, to lend a helping hand.

For those of you that dare to watch, here are some highlights you can expect to experience:

SEE! The dollar signs spinning in the eyes of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, and James Earl Jones (well, the voice of James Earl Jones, so you’ll need to use your imagination)

SEE! Harvey Corman foreshadow Max Headroom in the hypnotic and disturbing “Fixing the Android” sequence!

HEAR! The musical stylings of Jefferson Starship – they built Tatooine on Rock and Roll, you know!

SEE! Day-to-day life on the previously unseen Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyk — you won’t want to miss the wordless 5-minute “don’t eat the Wookiee ookies” segment! And yes, I meant ookies, not cookies.

SEE! Three generations of Wookiee: Chewbacca’s wife Malla, his creepy perv dad Itchy, and love-starved son Lumpy! God help me, I am not making these names up!

READ! The postcard from the edge written across Carrie Fisher’s glassy-eyed face as she sings the triumphant “Hooray, it’s Life Day!” holiday song (that may not be the actual name, but she sings her heart out all the same).

FEEL! Unclean in a way that bathing won’t fix as you witness Grandpa Wookiee open his Life Day present!

SEE! Boba Fett’s first appearance in the Star Wars universe — in a Ralph Bakshi-inspired cartoon segment that answers the age-old question: “What would happen if Fritz the Cat and R2-D2 lived in the same universe?”

WONDER! Whether George Lucas gave the green light for this project because of greed or out of fear that some terrible secret would be revealed.

AND DID WE MENTION? Bea Arthur!

Although the special was never released for sale, bootlegs have been circulating for a while. Apparently a “Platinum” bootleg is now available for $150 that comes with 10 custom action figures, including all three of the characters played by Harvey Corman.

Frankly, I think I’d rather see a Lucas-sanctioned “Special Edition” to the holiday special than yet another revisionist re-tooling of the first Star Wars movie.

There are many things that are flat-out wrong with this special, beyond the pacing, variety show acts, and crappy effects. There are some great scene-by-scene breakdowns available on the web, so I’ll link to those and spare myself a full viewing, but there are a couple of standout scenes worth mentioning.

The first, is the gift of Wookiee porn.

Grandpa needs his alone time
Art Carney plays a trader on Kashyyk who keeps the Wookiees hooked up with all sorts of gear and gizmos. He shows up with some Life Day gifts for the family and, once the lady of the house is occupied, takes Itchy aside and says, “Now, Itchy… I know what you’d like…”

Then he sticks itchy under one of those huge beautician hair dryers, inserts a “Proton Pack,” and says, “Now this is… It’s kind of hard to explain… It’s like… WOW! if you know what I mean… Happy Life Day…And I DO MEAN Happy Life Day!” I think he even may have shaken his hand to perform the universal sign for “Hubba Hubba.”

Next, some 70s mood music plays and the screen is filled with blurry lights. Jazz dancers swim through like giant psychedelic sperm. Then Diahann Carroll shows up in a silvery cat suit, purring and moaning things like, “I’m in your mind, just as you create me… Oh, YES!”

Pappa Wookiee starts getting kind of agitated, so she tells him to relax. He starts to get into it. Pappa like!

Now, this is all creepy enough as it is. It doesn’t help that Itchy pretty much looks exactly like the creature that clings to the bottom of the Porkchop Express at the end of Big Trouble In Little China. What really drives home the creep factor is when Grandpa starts frantically stabbing the rewind button to replay Diahann whispering, “I’ll tell you a secret… I find you adorable,” at least five or six times.

Diahann then proceeds to say that she is his fantasy and she floats around in 70s glitter effects for a while, singing. Itchy begins to salivate. Maybe he’s just a carnivorous wookiee that wants to eat her? That might actually be less disturbing to imagine. I’ll cling to that.

I don’t even want to know what gizmo Malla got for Life Day. But to be fair, Chewie is away from home a lot. Just saying.

I can not stress enough how entirely disturbing this scene is.

Your shoelace is untied
Another scene worth mentioning is noteworthy because it contains the least heroic rescue ever to occur in the Star Wars universe, which is probably the only thing George “Han Shot In Self-Defense” Lucas actually likes about this debacle.

I hope I’m not spoiling things too much, but I’m going to reveal the action-packed climax. (I know you’re waiting for me to make a Grandpa Wookiee’s climax joke, but I’m above that).

Near the end of the special, stormtroopers have shown up to lay the smackdown on Chewie’s family. After generally harassing them and ransacking their treehouse (because wookiees live in gigantic treehouses thousands of feet above the surface of Kashyyk – duh!), they take off and leave a lone guy to handle menacing duties on his own.

The guy is kind of a wuss and spends most of his time harassing Lumpy. When he finally breaks one of the kids toys, Lumpy runs away. The stormtrooper chases Lumpy outside and points his gun at him. Too bad for him, Han and Chewie have made it through the blockade and are about to kick his ass.

Chewie growls and gingerly lumbers around the stormtrooper, being careful not to knock the cheapass set over. Chewie bravely stands between his son and the gun barrel. The stormtrooper, observing the rules of a gentlemanly duel, stands motionless and refuses to act until his opponent is fully prepared for a scuffle.

Unbeknownst to the stormtrooper, Han is sneaking up behind him. Han motions to Lumpy to keep his freaking trap shut and not blow the element of surprise. Then he karate chops the stormtrooper’s arm, forcing the weapon from his hand. Surprise!

The gun is now on the ground, and by ground I mean the two-foot wide patio that encircles the treehouse. Han and the stormtrooper both look at the gun. Then Han does a terrible fakeout move for the gun. I’ve seriously seen better fakes in 7th grade flag football games.

Anyway, the stormtrooper bends slightly at the waist to pick up the gun… and then trips over a log for some mysterious reason, crashes through the patio railing, and plummets thousands of feet to the planet surface. Nice work, Han and Chewie? I guess?

To be fair, I can maybe understand that punching or shooting people during a holiday special would be unseemly, but come on… I don’t recall a creepy virtual reality lap dance in How The Grinch Stole Christmas either, but that didn’t stop you from scarring me earlier.

Star Wars Holiday Special Links
If you haven’t seen the Star Wars Holiday Special, you at least owe it to yourself to see pictures from it. Although they can’t truly capture the crushing pain that comes with video and audio, they do come pretty close to conveying the soul-sucking horror. There are some good synopsis and analysis at these sites as well.

The Star Wars Holiday Special fan page. Includes extensive character details, recap, pictures, etc.

Blunt Productions’ Holiday Special recap and pics

Star Wars TV – LucasFan’s site. Lots of good stuff here, and be sure to check out the Cast page if you just want to bask in the awfulness of Ithchy’s Wookiee costume or have always wondered what Harvey Korman, Bea Arthur, and Art Carney would look like if they lived in the Star Wars universe.

Stomp Tokyo’s analysis and more great pictures (be sure to check the links at the bottom of the page).

The Star Wars Holiday Special Wikipedia entry

The Nitpicker’s Guide To The Star Wars Holiday Special
This site has an extensive scene-by-scene recap, that also accurately captures the 5 stages of reaction that people have when they learn about the special. Seriously, they went through the pain of watching it so you don’t have to.

Have a very Wookie Christmas – 2002 Salon article by Daniel Kraus

An in-depth analysis from a scholarly perspective.

A Final Warning
Although it sounds like something beyond belief, it is all too real. For those of you who dare to seek it out, remember: Once you’ve seen The Star Wars Holiday Special, you cannot un-see it.

You have been forewarned.