It’s easy for people to be jaded and bitter these days. Fortunately, you can recapture your childlike innocence. Just think back to the 1980s. The Cold War. Reaganomics. The Challenger explosion. Popes, presidents, and pop stars shot. Yet in the face of these hardships, the world learned to look past its fears and fell in love with a visitor from another planet.
He scared us at first, but soon he won our hearts. Who can forget the adorable alien with a love for candy treats, the power to heal with his mind, and manipulate the environment with seemingly magical powers. Yes, MAC, we need you now more than ever. Who did you think I was talking about?
The 1988 movie “Mac and Me” slipped under many peoples’ radar, but it may be the best corproate-sponsored product placement vehicle ever devised. To this day, few people realize the corporate duping they get when they watch it on TV (assuming people do watch it).
The MAC, you see, is for McDonald’s Corporation. What could be better to pimp on a Happy Meal than a story SANCTIONED by McDonald’s? However, oddly enough, there’s no mention of it in the company’s history timeline.
MAC and Me
I recall being outraged when I saw the tray liner pimping it at a Buffalo McDonald’s that features a huge stained glass Elvis. The movie was a shameless ET rip-off and corporate plug, which offended both my sensibilities as a consumer and my pride as a former McDonald’s employee.
My rage blinded me to the sheer brilliance and beauty of this film and I failed to lend my box office support. I’ve scorned it when it’s played on TV. But I accidentally caught a bit of a turgid chase scene on Showtime today and I was hooked until the end.
I laughed. I cried. Because I was laughing so hard I could not breathe.
This may be the most hysterical thing I’ve ever written or will write:
SPOILERS AHEAD!
I don’t know where MAC came from exactly. He is most likely an extra-terrestrial, but he also may have crawled up from the depths of the earth (more on that later). In any case, MAC and his family look kind of like a cross between ET and what all kids believe Sea Monkeys are going to look like before finding out that they are brine shrimp.
They also look a bit, and I’m not trying to be mean here, special. MAC has a lazy eyelid that makes you wonder if he was the kid that had to wear the eye patch in third grade. And as if ripping off ET isn’t bad enough, the MAC clan appears to communicate by whistling Gizmo’s theme song from Gremlins. To be fair, however, MAC actually is pretty cute and the kid actors have an earnest innocent quality.
Anyway, I walk in on the film as a kid in a wheelchair is zipping around a department store while being chased by a bunch of Feds (obviously being played by the film’s financial backers). The main Fed looks like a meaner, older B.J. Honneycutt. MAC is blowing up TVs and electrical appliances as the feds slip and slide, while Wheels’ oblivious mom flirts with a Fed/Store Clerk.
Wheels finally makes a break for the main door and MAC zaps its electronics to delay the pursuers. A fed grabs an exploded TV and throws it through the glass door. This is getting good!
Cut to a van where Wheels’ crew is talking about some crazy escape plan. Even the family is ripped from E.T. Fuax Gertie is saying “It’s going to work.” Faux Michael is saying, “Get closer!” Wait, his name is actually Michael here, too. Jeez, they weren’t even trying!
The person driving the van is the first deviation from the E.T. model — she appears to be McGirlfriend. Yes, Michael’s girlfriend apparently came straight from her 10:00 – 1:45 shift at McDonald’s and is still wearing her uniform. I wonder if she smells like Egg McMuffins or if she has since taken on the aroma of McDLTs.
McGirlfriend is keeping the cool side cool and pulls up next to Wheels, who is racing like a maniac down the street. He must be going around 30 MPH. Half the department store is in hot pursuit.
Michael slides the van door open and reaches out to grab Wheels. Cut to outside the van, where StuntMichael suddenly is sporting a hot pair of Wayfarers.
“Get closer!” InsideTheVanMichael yells, sans glasses.
RiskyBusiness grabs MAC and gets him safely in the van. Then, with one arm, he deftly lifts both the wheelchair AND his brother into the van and slams the door. That kid has some wicked upper-body strength and I’m very jealous. A quick replay reveals, that it may not have been his brother in the chair, but a 40 year old midget.
Everyone is happy, but MAC is hungry! Blowing up TVs with magical powers works up a hearty appetite. Fortunately, the kids are prepared. With Skittles!
Mars, Inc. blew their shot at sponsoring ET with M&Ms, opening the door for Reeses Pieces to jump from also-ran status to breakout snack star. They weren’t about to make the same mistake twice!
MAC tastes the rainbow as McGirlfriend drives into the desert through one of those huge windmill farms. I’ve been near some myself on the highway between Palm Springs and L.A. and right before I saw them I was thinking, “Damn, it’s windy out here,” as I fought to keep my rented Neon on the road.
For some reason — I don’t know why because I wasn’t paying attention — the kids drive through an animal reserve. I’m not really sure what the plan is at this point as I’ve been recapping to my wife and we’ve been discussing all the shameless E.T. rip-offs. I just hope there’s a silhouette of Wheels flying in front of a full moon at some point.
They pull over and MAC gets out among the windmills. He makes some sign with his hands and starts whistling Gizmo through them. My wife croaks out, “MAC CALL HOUSE.” MAC eventually hones in on a particular area, perhaps with some sort of chemical LoJack, that reveals the opening to a mine shaft.
Now, I’m envisioning Wheels getting on the mine cart tracks and letting the wackiness ensue, but instead Mike and MAC go it alone while the rest of the kids hold the van.
Inside is actually a bit creepy — very dark for McDonald’s family-safe standards. The cave is littered with nude dead/unconcious alien/depths of hell creatures. Apparently, it’s MAC’s family! Sorry, buddy, you got there too late.
After poking one of them in the eyes, Mike exclaims that they’re alive! He’s going to get help. So, does he call the government who have secretly been preparing for alien contact since the 1950s? Does he go to a vet and make up some sort of story about shaving the rival high school’s ape mascots?
No, he goes to the van and grabs a cooler of Cokes!
As with everything in the 80s, Coke is the key to success. After a few bumps, the MAC clan is on their feet/flippers. MACDaddy, MACMom, and MACZuki join MAC and want to know who’s going to keep hooking them up with the good stuff.
The kids get the MAC Clan in the van and head back to town. Once again, not sure what the plan is, but it appears as though MAC is the smartest in the family. MACDaddy ties a tire iron in a knot and generally tries to eat or break everything in the van. This freaks out FauxGertie, who uses a couple of lines that I think are copped straight from E.T.
Mike is driving now and is showing McGirlfriend the low boiling point she can expect when they start having kids. He yells at Wheels and FauxGertie to keep the MACs busy so he can focus on the road and they begin playing Simon Sez.
The kids stop at a supermarket and go in for supplies (I’m guessing). MACDaddy lives up to his name and starts scamming on a blonde in the convertible parked next to the van.
Whether she’s respectful of her elders, blind, sympathetic for people with disfiguring medical conditions, or just really hard up is not made clear, but for some reason she doesn’t scream in horror.
After making eyes for a while, MACMomma pops her face in the window. BUSTED!
Wait a minute, MACDaddy doesn’t want the blonde. He wants her Sprite! So, he smashes his hand through the van window and takes it from her. Cue screaming…NOW!
Sprite don’t soothe like the China White — MACDaddy needs Coke! The MAC clan ambles into the supermarket and stuns the place into silence. MACDaddy, who has a really bad case of Middle Age Spread, walks over to an endcap pyramid of Coke cans. By this point the store manager and security have been called.
MACDaddy knocks over the Coke and Mike tries to control the situation, but things are too far out of hand. After a brief tussle, MACDaddy gets the security guy’s gun. That dude is so fired.
MACDaddy accidentally shoots the gun and the store clears out. Lots of panic and the cops show up. One of them grabs Mike and drags him out of the store despite his pleas that the MACs don’t understand and won’t hurt anyone.
The cops are all freaking out at this point and don’t seem to get the No Habla Anglais message that the kids are trying to convey about the MACs. Eventually, the MACs come out, carrying bagged groceries and MACDaddy aimlessly waves the pistol. This isn’t going to end well.
The MACs begin to walk away and the cops are getting anxious. Wheels says “I can make them understand!” and wheels after them despite the head cop’s protests.
Wheels is almost there when MACDaddy accidentally fires his pistol. Here it comes.
In retaliation, the head cop takes aim with a shotgun. McGirlfriend keeps the hot side hot and pushes him just in time. He misses, but the MACs had apparently been shopping at the Just Gasoline And Fireworks strip mall because the shotgun blast sets off a chain reaction that somehow blows up the entire place. Seriously.
So, the MACs are burning a fiery death and Wheels has been knocked over. The kids run over. “ERIC!” Jeez, he even has an “E” name like Eliott.
Ms. Wheels (I’m assuming she’s an E.T. template single mom, even though I missed the beginning) descends in a chopper with the Feds. A doctor from the crowd runs up to Wheels, announces “I’m a doctor,” followed by “I’m sorry, he’s gone.”
I can’t freaking believe they killed Wheels. WHEEEEEEEEEEELS! This has to be the greatest movie ever made.
Wait a minute… What’s that coming out of the strip mall inferno? The MACs are Bac!
The foam rubber and latex from planet MAC are impervious to flames and the clan sits around Wheels’ lifeless corpse to roast marshmallows. Oh, no, actually they are doing some MACMojo.
The MACs whistle, “Light as a feather, Stiff as a board” in Gizmolish for a while and Eric begins to float. Oh dear god. Lights shoot from their hands, which they hold in a sort of heart shape. I wonder to myself why Neil Diamond has yet to come out with “Turn On Your Hand Light.”
Apparently the MACs don’t know anything about human physiology and how long a brain can go without oxygen, because they take their sweet time. Eventually, however, Wheels comes to. Thanks, MACs! Now let the alien vivisections begin!
Slow dissolve to illustrate the passage of time…
Two Feds who were the bane of the MACscapades are running into the courthouse. They’re late. Incompetent jerks.
They slip quietly into a packed courtroom where… The MACs are being tried for crimes against humanity? The children are being sentenced to death for treason and their involvement in a plot to invade the Earth?
No, it’s an INS ceremony swearing in new U.S. citizens. As the room full of ALIENS renounce their past citizenship, the camera pans to reveal the MACs! Get it? ALIENS!
MACDaddy wears a suit, Mrs.MAC has a nice dress on, and MAC is wearing, I swear to god, a McKids-branded shirt.
The MACs now have all of the benefits of cab drivers and hotel service workers bestowed upon them. The Feds are tearily happy. And it’s a satisfying finale because it’s exactly the way you know it would turn out in real life.
Obviously, the MACs didn’t think this through all that well because they also will have to pay taxes and MAC will seriously miss having renounced his past citizenship when he gets to be draft age.
After the ceremony, the MACs take Eric for a spin in a pink Cadillac. MAC blows a bubble with his bubble gum and Eric cruelly pops it.
Overhead shot of the Caddy turning onto the highway. Then, I shit you not, a cartoon bubble gum bubble appears anchored to the car with the threat “We’ll Be Back!” in it.
At this point, I’m flat out crying. Then the credits roll and the last actor listed appears: Ronald McDonald as Himself.
Greatest movie ever.
